Confession #6: I wish that I could be like the cool kids...'cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in

"She sees them walking in a straight line,
That's not really her style

And they all got the same heartbeat

But hers is falling behind.

Nothing in this world could

Ever bring them down

Yeah, they're invincible, and she's just in the background

And she says

I wish that I could be like the cool kids

'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in

I wish that I could be like the cool kids

Like the cool kids"

-Echosmith

There are some days where i feel exactly like the lyrics of that song. Not quite fitting in, standing out, looking from the outside in. I never felt like that when I was a child or a teenager. I may have had other hangups, but that wasn't one of them. Now, I'm in my mid thirties, with child, have found freedom in so many areas of my life...yet I sing along to this song with all the passion of teenage angst that it projects. Pretty pathetic, huh?

I heard this song today and wondered why it resonated with me so much in this stage of my life. The more I thought about it the more aware of how I often I feel like that lately and how sad it made me. Then I realized that I was in a unique situation for the first time in my life. I found myself in a small and precious small town where people share common values, ideals, socio economic backgrounds, and for the most part religious beliefs. Not that this is a bad thing at all. It's just different for me.

I didn't go to the local high school. My lifelong friend that I went to kindergarten with doesn't live down the street. I didn't grow up in church going to Vacation Bible School or being part of a youth group. My high school memories have nothing to do with homecoming, football games, or mums. And what is cotillion? Don't get me wrong, I love Texas and I LOVE the small town I live in. I love the community and the familiar feeling it offers. But to be totally honest, on some days I feel like don't fit in.

On most days, I'm totally ok with it. I know God made me unique and special. I know He placed me here not to feel left out but to be a part of a beautiful community. But oh, how the enemy of my soul loves to mess with my head on this one. When I don't get a joke, when the pastor sings some hymn that everyone else seems to know and I don't, when I find I just don't get the latest "fashion" trend everyone loves, and when no one gets why I can't find a local hairdresser to do my hair I feel like an alien in a foreign land. 

The people in my community are some of the most loving, giving, welcoming, and hospitable that I know. I will never be quite like them, and that's ok. How boring life would be if we were all the same. On most days I love that we embrace each other's differences. I laugh how different our quirks are, like what we consider being on time is. Other days though, it weighs on my soul. There are days where I feel like a misfit, excluded, and an outcast. It's not a reflection of anyone other than myself. Today I tapped into a new area of brokenness that only God can heal. 

Most days I feel like I'm part of a tribe, sisterhood, community, and family. But every once in a while...on days like today...I wish that I could be like the cool kids...'cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**