Confession #22: I should be writing Confession #30 today...but I'm a little behind

So today is the last day of October and that means that I should be publishing the last post of my write 31 days challenge. As you can tell, I'm only on confession #22 (out of 30), so I'm just a little behind. Normally I'd either 1) beat myself up over it or 2) ignore the fact all together and just leave this series hanging. Not this time though. I'm committed to finishing this goal even if it takes me a few extra days and rolls into November. There's just something about this challenge, this year, and this series that makes it more than just an ordinary goal or something to check off a list (I'm not a list person anyways).

Last year i think I did around 6 posts all together, and even that was huge for me. Starting this journey, I had no idea how this series would end up. I had no clue what God would lay on my heart or what I would feel like ranting about that day. I just committed to being honest and transparent and in the process I've learned and grown so much. I guess there's a freedom that lies in writing about yourself or your experiences and feelings. No one can argue or discredit you for your story and that's what I've realized I've been laying out there, my story. It's not always pretty, glamorous or uber spiritual but it is 100% me on any given day. This series has opened the opportunity for me to connect on so many levels with people I didn't even think were reading. Every comment, every message I get, all of it means so very much. Not because it meant someone read something I wrote but because it's build a bond between people who have said "me too". We've been there and we get it. 

We live in a time in history where people are quick to pick up their pitchforks and condemn and shame others from the anonymity behind the screen and our hand held devices. So, to see that some of us can come together and walk in each other's shoes even for just a few minutes means the world, a least to me it does.

So if you'll bare with me and give me a few extra days...I'll continue to write and we will end this challenge right where we started, together.

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #21: I know my purpose...and I want you to know yours!

I do not say this to be cocky or come across as presumptuous. I didn't always know my purpose. I many times wondered if I even had one. Have you ever had one of those days? You know the ones where you're not even sure if you'd be missed if all of a sudden you ceased to exist. Well, I have and it's not a fun place to be.

It's so sad that so many of us can go for years or our entire lives without knowing our purpose. That is not how it's supposed to be. God wants us to know our purpose so that we may walk confidently in our calling. And don't for a second think you don't have one, because you do! 

So how do you go about finding or better yet discovering what your purpose is? How did I find mine? I'll tell you the short version in this post and I'll invite you to dig deeper into this topic with me. It's something I'm passionate about. Purpose is all about identity. If you don't know who you are and whose you are, there is no way you can discover what it is you're here to do. It sounds simple but it truly is fundamental.

I began to comprehend and believe I had a specific purpose in life and in the Kingdom of God the moment I knew who I was in Him. And let me tell you it's not about just singing "I am a child of God" at church. You have to know that you know that you are His. You need to know where your identity truly lies.

Identity isn't about you trying to live up to the labels and roles that the world has placed on you. Your identity has nothing to do with the car you drive, your profession, who your married to, where you work, where you live, how you look, who you know, how tough you are, hoe much money you make, or the sins you've committed. It's none of that.

Now the enemy four souls would love for you to believe that, and let me tell you he has many convinced. He wants you to believe that because if you believe your identity is based on anything I've mentioned before than he has kept you focused on striving and living up to that standard and no matter whether it's labeled a "good" or "bad thing, it is exhausting, time consuming, and futile.

When we start to believe our own true identity, the striving stops. We can slow down, we can receive, and most importantly we can listen to what God has to say. When we listen to what God has to say, and I mean really listen there is nothing we can't do and nothing He will hold back from us, including our purpose.

A huge part of discovering my purpose came when I was able to develop my personal mission statement. This was birthed from a place of prayer, encouragement, and being open to listen to what the Holy Spirit had to say. In order to do this I had to identify and abolish beliefs I had about myself before I knew Christ. That exercise alone was so powerful, almost like losing into the clearest mirror and then looking into what God had in store for me in the future. If this is something you'd like me to do a Facebook live or Periscope  broadcast on, leave a comment below and make sure to follow me here or here. This isn't something God wants to keep hidden from you or have you spend your whole life searching for. Truth is, whether you know it or not, you are very much so living out your purpose already. Now, once you know what it is and you walk in the steps that God has aligned for you, the power is so much greater.

As for me, my mission statement which I wrote 3 years ago was this:

My mission is to bring defeated women to know their identity in Christ by sharing my story and bombarding them with God's truth.

Wow...and once again, I just realized how sweet God is! That is what this blog is all about. It wasn't planned, it's not about branding, it wasn't intentional to tie this all in. I honestly write what's on my mind and make no edits as I go. Afterwards I only correct typos (if I find them). So here I find myself living out the mission statement the Holy Spirit gave me 3 years ago in a whole new way. It's exciting and amazing and you can have this too...will you join me?

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #20: Ministry was nothing like I thought it would be

A woman in ministry. What does that even look like? I know what I thought it was supposed to look like. And let me tell you this, when ministry found me I was in for a rude awakening. Yes, funny how that happens. When I surrendered my life to Jesus I had a very skewed, or maybe romanticized, view of what ministry was. You see, my whole life I loved children. I loved watching them, taking care of them, and playing with them. I even worked as a preschool teacher when I was in college. I love, love, loved it! You get the idea, right? So naturally, when it came time to serve the Lord I assumed that’s where He would call me to serve Him. I put on my rose colored glasses and my first attempt at ministry was a stint in the church’s children’s ministry. Though it was fine and fun, I never felt that children’s ministry was what the Lord had for me. Then one day, our youth pastor got on stage and talked about the need for volunteers on Monday nights and I eagerly decided to serve with the youth group. I was leading a small group of high school girls and I loved it. The Lord started preparing me for what would be my true calling and life mission through this season. Each week as I met with these girls, they would shape me as much as I shaped them. I was getting close, oh so close, but still when that season of serving was over I felt no loss or longing, just a sense of mission accomplished. 

So I continued to seek the Lord. I grew in my faith. I had no expectations or aspirations to pursue ‘formal” ministry. This was probably because I was not raised knowing anything about ministry. To be totally and honest I had never even heard of the word ministry until I started attending the inter-denominational church where I met and fell in love with the Lord at. Oh but soon I would learn. I would learn quickly and abruptly that there was a line drawn in the sand when it came to women and ministry. 

You were either in or you were out.

“Say what?!” you ask. I know, I know … I was a little confused too. So let me back up a minute and give you the background info. How can someone go from never even fully understanding what ministry was to feeling totally unqualified, excluded, and shunned from what I now call the Sorority of “Women in Ministry”. It all started innocently enough, with a Facebook post. Like most modern day dramas, it all started with Facebook. I remember the day so clearly, that as I sit and type this I realize that my heart must still hurt over this. That there’s more healing that must need to take place. But I’m rambling, so let me get back to my story. I was scrolling down my newsfeed and a friend of mine (a pastor’s wife, lovely both inside and out) posted about an upcoming conference; she shared the details with the link. I can’t remember who the main speaker was at the time, but I do remember that it was a speaker I had told my other friend about. I was excited to share with my friend just to say, “Hey, this is that lady I told you about”. So without thinking twice, I tagged my friend in the comments with a note along the lines of, “so and so, check this out”. I proceeded to log off of Facebook and go on with my day. When I did this I didn’t think anything of it or the other women that might have been tagged in the post. Nor did I notice who was hosting the event. All of that was irrelevant to me because like I said earlier, I was just pointing out something to my friend, kind of like how I would point out a car, handbag, or beautiful house I like with no actual intention of buying it. No foul, no harm. Right?

Wrong. 

Oh boy was I wrong. Little did I know I was about to be schooled in the Sorority of “Women in Ministry”. Later that evening I saw the red dot of suspense, I mean the notification dot. Facebook so kindly informed me that a prominent woman in ministry in my community had tagged me in a comment. I was curious to see what she had tagged me in, as we weren’t close but I admired her greatly. And then came the burn. She had pointed out very publicly and pointedly (remember she tagged me with my first and last name) that the event I had commented on was ONLY for pastor’s wives and “women in ministry”. Ouch.

I was confused, mad (fuming actually), and hurt. I had no clap back. All I had was the feeling of being sucker punched and the conversation in my head that went something like this:

1. Who are you to say I’m not a woman in ministry?

2. I didn't know there was a special club for these “special women” and the rest of us    were not invited.

3. If my place in the caste system was so low that I’m not even allowed to comment      on a post, why would I want to do ministry anyway?

4. I didn’t want to go to your stupid event anyway!!!!

These four thoughts went in and out, up and down, and around my head for hours, maybe even days. Then I realized something, my anger was just masking the very real and raw emotion that I didn’t want to face, REJECTION. I had come from a community of believers that were accepting and loved and celebrated me just as I was. A community where I didn’t even realize that what I was doing was “ministry”. I just wanted to serve the Lord and the church gave me the opportunity. Other than passing a background check to be able to work with kids and youth, nothing else was required of me. But now, now I found myself wading in unknown waters. I never in a million years would have thought that the Body of Christ would be so exclusive, elitist, and clique-y. So what was I to do? How was I to reconcile this rejection with my heart’s desire of serving the Lord? More importantly, how would the passion I had to help women discover their true identity in Christ, be affected by this? How when it was the same women who I thought were on my team were the ones to reject me? But God.

God. G-O-D. My Father, My Redeemer, My Healer, My Vindicator, My Hero, and My Everything. He was so good to me. If He loved me, and I knew He did, I could face anything. I could move past this rejection. He could heal the wounds from that painful sting and use that very wound to start a fire in my soul. You see, instead of allowing that seed of rejection grow and fester into bitterness, He changed my heart. He gave me grace. Grace for me and grace for those who never realized they had hurt me. And that fire that began to burn that day was the fire that fuels the passion for my life ministry, helping women know their identity in Christ so that they may live the purpose and call God has for their lives. I learned something so vital and so essential from the moment of that pivotal Facebook post: 

Ministry is not something that you do. Ministry is not something that you are in. Ministry is a way of life.

You beautiful woman of God, child of the Most High King, have been called to a life of service, a life consecrated unto Him, a life of ministry. What does that look like? It’s not Wednesday morning Bible Study, it’s not greeting at the church, serving in the kid’s ministry, attending conferences, writing a blog, speaking, preaching, or singing on a stage. I mean it can be all these things but sweet sister, it is SO MUCH MORE. It’s the way you smile at the new girl who just walked into church for the first time, it’s staying up late to help your husband study for his Board Exams, it’s feeding the homeless, it’s taking your daughter shopping or drying her tears after her first heartbreak, it’s praying for your coworker who doesn’t know the Lord, it’s giving a check to the family in your community who just lost it all, it’s loving on the unlovable, and sometimes it’s just making it through the day when you think you can’t go on. 

We are not part of the Sorority of “Women in Ministry”. We are the community of women living our ministries. 

The other night, I was on Facebook and I felt the Holy Spirit wanting me to share on the topic of ministry. If I can leave you with one thought on ministry it would be this:

As I sit here I reflect on this thing we call "ministry". Man, this is totally not what I signed up for. It's harder, messier, more complicated, and absurd than I could ever imagine.

It's also the most beautiful display and dance of God's love I've ever seen in action. So now what? So now I dance. I dance in the sunshine. I dance in the rain. I dance in the storms. When I'm drowning I give in and dance in the water until He gently and so gracefully lifts me up. I float and bask in His presence until he gently brings me to shore. And then? And then, my friends I get up and dance again. But this time I find someone to dance with, someone who hasn't heard a song in a very long time, the one who needs to dance the pounding of the heartbeat God has placed in the core of their being. And then we dance and dance some more. We bring others along with us as the love of the Father shines down on us all. And this, this is the beautiful imagery of ministry in action.

It's not about a 501c(3). It's not about a building. It's not about a board of directors or trustees. It's about relationship. It's about love. Our relationship with our Father overwhelming us to the brink so that nothing but love can pour out to those around us. It can be your family. It can be your workplace. It might be your sick husband or the mother in law you think you hate. It's the smile to the stranger. The sandwich to the homeless man lying filthy on the street. It can be all of this and so much more. It is all of this and nothing less. 

Do not despise where you are at. Do not crave position. Do not orchestrate a platform. Just be. Receive. Dance. Love.

This is ministry my friends. Nothing more and nothing less.

Don't love to be loved. Love because you are loved.

It’s messy, it’s rewarding, it’s complicated, and sweet. It’s not a club, sorority, or clique. It’s me and it’s you. Don’t give up. Keep on truckin’. Keep on keepin’ on. You are worth it. You are called. The world needs you because the world needs more women living in ministry, not just “women in ministry”.

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #19: I've always wondered, what would happen if...

I have to say I love the "On this day" feature on Facebook. It's fun to see what I was doing or what was on my mind last year or six years ago. Some days I'm surprised by how much I've grown in my faith. Other days I long for the days where I heard so clearly from the Lord. Sometimes I see God's grace and His hand over my life and other times I just laugh at the silliness of my friends and myself. It can also be a not so fun feature, like when I see how much thinner I was five years ago or when I see reference of a friend that no longer is. But no matter what memories or feelings the trip down Facebook memory lane, it serves as a virtual scrapbook and let's be honest, ain't nobody got time to scrapbook (well, at least I don't).

One year ago today I posted a series of questions. Questions that were birthed out of a place of anger and frustration, a place of disappointment in how we treat each other as women. It was birthed out of love. These questions weren't hypothetical but more like a challenge for us to step up as women. We are failing each other and I believe these questions are still worth asking. We need to explore all these "What would happen if" scenarios. So as you read my Facebook post from a year ago I invite you to ask yourself "What if?" but more importantly ask yourself "What now?"

What would happen?

What would happen if women came together and supported each other? If they would encourage and uplift each other? If they would celebrate each others gifts and celebrated each other talents? What if they didn't feel threatened by each others successes and mentored other women so they could also succeed? What if they pulled their resources together and worked along side of each other? What would their ministries, businesses, legacies, and families look like if they did?

What if WE as women committed to try to do some things? If we were intentional on liking, sharing, and supporting the ventures, businesses, and ministries of the women in our sphere of influence? What if we were intentional to include people in our tribe and make them feel significant loved and included? What if we stopped idolizing celebrities and leaders and we celebrated the stay at home mom doing everything to keep it together,the homeless women just trying to make it another day, the teacher that loves and instructs your kids everyday, the beautiful lady that greets you at church, or that one that posts exactly what you needed to read on FB or Instagram? What if???

#womenneedwomen #celebrateeachother

Much Love, 

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #16: Food is the #1 thing that separates me from God.

That has been the most difficult title to type. I came to this realization today as I was talking to God on my drive home. Now I know I've had an issue with food for years. I won't go into all the details,  but it's not an issue that has gone unnoticed by me. I consider myself as someone who is pretty self aware and though I realized the psychological effect food has on me perfectly, I don't think I fully understood the spiritual hold it had on me. And I for sure did not realize that it was the #1 thing that separated me from God.

I started this post last night but I stopped. Not sure why. I wasn't overly exhausted. I had peace and quiet. There must've been something, something deep in me that I didn't want to share or maybe even worse, something I did not want to face. 

Over the past few months I found myself growing further and further away from God. It's not like I started a downhill spiral of poor behavior and bad choices. It was nothing like that but more of me slowly tuning down the radio of God's voice. There are many factors that contributed to this subtle and slow slippery slope, some of which I'm sure you've picked up in as I write in this series. Yet there was something about yesterday. That "AHA" or lightbulb moment came to me as I drove home from work. 

The Lord is faithful and good. He knows my love and passion for Him. He heard my desperate cries and prayers. He was not going to abandon me and let me continue in that season of silence. He is true and faithful. He needed me to be awake and attentive to His voice. He had things to tell me and I needed to be ready to listen.

How did He get me ready? How does any of this have to do with food? I'll share that in my next post. Until then, I ask you: has there ever been a time where food had separated you from God? Let's explore this together, let's  lean in and listen to what He has to say. 

Much Love, 

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #15: I wrote this post from my cell phone...

This is a first. I'm attempting to totally write and publish this post entirely from my phone. On most nights I sit in bed and type away on my laptop, but tonight that just wasn't cutting it. I was tired and wanted to lay on my side. I just couldn't get comfortable enough to type in bed.

Have you ever tried typing while you are laying on your side? I promise you it's not easy.so I'm quite excited that so far this little experiment is working. I think I might be faster typing with my thumbs on my phone than I am on a computer.

I'm so in awe that I can do this, that I can't think of much else to write about than the fact that I can. I know I have a post brewing in me...yes the one about the casserole. But then once again I find myself too exhausted to think, too exhausted to face the feelings and emotions that go along with it. So until tomorrow, I will just bask in the fact that I can just post from my phone. 

Much Love, 

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #12: What I learned sitting in my dark closet tonight.

Tonight I sat in my closet and did something I've done so many times before, I sat and prayed and talked to some of my favorite peeps behind the screen. I was using the app called Persicope to livestream some prayer time with others. Truth is for a season the Lord had me wake up every day around 6 am for this very purpose. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. 

My prayerscopes were a crucial part of the birth of my ministry Women's Night of Prayer, also known as WNOPtribe. In all honesty Periscope was an amazing tool and vehicle that the Lord used to bring together some of the most amazing people I've ever met. We are family and friends in the truest definition of the word. After not being on regularly in months I wasn't sure if anyone I knew would be on tonight. But then all of a sudden a familiar face popped up, sweet Marlene.

We also had some new people on tonight. Some from Turkey, a lady from Chicago, and other lovely people that came in to say hi.One thing I've always done on my scopes is be truthful and honest. That honesty became a huge blessing. When Marlene asked how I was doing, I was honest. I was good, but I was exhausted. I am in a rough season where I feel very isolated. We talked through it, we prayed through it...and then all of a sudden:

THE LIGHT IN MY CLOSET WENT OUT.

Just like that, no warning. I opened the door to let some light in and prepared to hop off. Oh no! God had another plan. The light going off,instead of discouraging Marlene it reminded her of the scripture below.

When she shared it, it hit me. This is the season I am in. This is the lifeline verse that I've been asking for. God used this moment to remind me that yes, I have fallen...but I will rise. That I might be sit ting in the darkness, but that He is my light.

It gave me a sense of relief. It was a reminder of everything that is true. That I am not alone. The darkness on the scope tonight only lasted until I opened the door. Once I did that, the light flooded in. 

It's time to arise! It's time to open the door!

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #11: I drive 4 hours to get my hair done...

Call it craziness, call it blonde ambition but every 3 to 4 weeks I travel about 4 hours to get my hair done. There's no logical explanation for this other than I haven't found anyone in my town or nearby San Antonio to do my hair the way I like it.

It hasn't always been this way. I actually stumbled upon the colorist hair genius that is Ana, very randomly. A trip to visit family and a casual conversation in a mall led me to elements salon. The rest is history. Well, maybe not history but certainly the most perfect platinum blonde hair to ever grace my head. 

.

This was a few years ago, before my wedding or having a baby. I continued to see Ana for a while, but as the wedding grew near, I had to find a closer option for my beauty ritual. After the wedding life got busy as a newlywed and soon to be mother, and platinum wasn't practical. My blonde ambition got shelved as I delved into motherhood.

Then one day, I awoke from the slumber and my soul cried out summoning the blonde that lived inside of me. I actually found another angel/hair stylist. Her name was Kim. She is  a pastor's wife I met during a conference. A woman who loved women and I was blessed to have known her. As she dyed and cut and styled my hair each month, we would share stories of our toddlers and the messiness of ministry. Until one day, the Lord called them back home...to Virginia!!! Ugh!!! I had finally found some one local I loved and the Lord sent her away. What was a girl to do?

It took me a while, but for some reason I felt like I was supposed to find Ana again. Go back to Houston. Crazy as it sounds, I knew that whatever it was that the Lord had for me at that salon, it was way more than my hair. See, I'm sure it might come across as high maintenance and pretentious to drive 4 hours because there's no one good enough here. I would think the same thing. 

But God. God had a plan.

I slowly got back into the rhythm. Ana got my hair on track and I got to know her more and more with each visit. Hopefully one day I'll be able to share a little bit of Ana's story and how it's blown me away and blessed me in so many ways. But it's not my story to tell. And since I'm the ultimate procrastinator, none of these posts are planned until I sit down each night to type them. In other words, no time for me to ask Ana permission to share a glimpse into her life.

I will tell you this...I drive 4 hours to get my hair done...I drive 4 hours because my soul gets filled with life, love, and laughter with every visit. It's not about the hair...it's not about my appearance...it's about the beauty that's created between the women that sit around Ana's table each time I visit.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**