Confession #28: Some days I feel like a phony...FAKE

I sit here surrounded by beauty and writers. I sit here in silence as over twenty people are quietly creating, editing, revising, and crafting with words. I sit here in awe as I see them each engrossed in their own world with such focus and purpose. Or maybe not, maybe they are fighting the thoughts of their everyday lives to creep into their heads. What they are thinking about, I don't know. What I do know is that from the outside looking in they seem to be so much better than me, so much more focused than I am, so much more talented, so much more of a "real" writer than I'll ever be.

My day started after a two hour drive to come here. A write away day. I didn't know what it was all about, I just knew I needed to be there (here). Working a full time corporate job along with being a mom, wife, and friend leaves little time for what I believe God called me to do a couple of years ago, and that is to WRITE. When the year began and I sought the Lord to give me a new direction and purpose, I found that He wanted to show me new and creative ways to do it all. He wants us to renew and abide in Him, not running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Part of this journey of finding new ways led me on a search for a writer's retreat.

So here I find myself. In a beautiful home surrounded by beauty, nature, and silence. As I walked in there were already several writers gathered around a huge table. One of them was giving out general housekeeping instructions. I snuck in the back and got settles as I listened in. The sweet lady interrupted what she was doing to tell my friend and I that there were two seats available next to her. Just like that, insecurity and doubt crept in. I felt called out, exposed, and insecure as I took my place in front of everyone. Then I settled in, she continued to share how the rest of the day would go and which areas we were allowed it write in. But before any of that we had to introduce ourselves first. WAIT...WHAT?!?

I slowly and subtly tuned her out as I prayed not to go first, as I was sitting right next to her. What would I say? Who would care? I'm not a real writer...I'm just a girl that piddles away at her blog. Damn, I'm not even good at that. I started this write 31 days challenge in October last year and I'm still not done. Say what, she wants us to share our writing goals?!? Oh man, I'm in way over my head. No place to run though and I was two hours from home and I didn't bring my own car.

I pause to say as I type this out, I am taken back to a memory of the last time I found myself in a room full of people, far from home, not in my own car and wanting to run out. That was right before I encountered the most beautiful and powerful spiritual experience of my life up until that moment. Yes, that last time I wanted to run but didn't I encountered the full and perfect love of Jesus and found my freedom from fear, depression, and anxiety. So there truly is something about staying when all you want to do is run. It can be life altar-ing. 

So here sit and there I sat a few hours ago. Did God answer my prayer of not being first? Yes, of course He did; and be careful what you wish/pray for. Our leader for the day started with my friend who sat on the other side of her. After my friend went, we went around the table and room. By the third person, I was officially freaked out. These were REAL writers; poets, academic writers, screenwriters, novelists, playwrights, even a photographer and journalist. I let the voice whisper into my ear and sink into my soul that I somehow didn't belong. What would I say? I don't belong here. 

After what seemed like an eternity, it was my turn. I was the last one to go. So what did I do? I introduced myself, shared about my blog, why I was there, and my writing goals. You see, along the way as I was freaking out, I felt like God said it's ok, just be yourself, you belong here because I've brought you here. So I did. I was myself. I'm not gonna lie though, as soon as I got up to find my spot to write in for the day the same thoughts kept creeping in. I found myself, got settled, and began to write.

Sometimes you've gotta push past the thoughts of being a phony or a fake. In the end, they are just that, thoughts. Lies created to make us believe we cant walk out our purpose and calling in life. It's not about faking it until you make it. I wasn't quite sure what it was about when I sat down to write but soon, I would.

We took a break for lunch and had a chance to chat with some of the writers there. I sat down, ready to eat and struck up conversation with the lady next to me. I saw it as a perfect opportunity to come clean. I confessed to her, how I had felt. We talked about it and she said something, that AHA moment that comes when someone else says something you know but haven't necessarily believed in a while. She said it's an identity issue. BAM! It hit me. The reason I had felt the way I did is because in that moment I allowed my identity to lie in my achievements as a writer, which were none. They were none, not for any other reason than that I hadn't been writing for long or blogging consistently.

Ugh! I believed the lie...once again, I let my identity lie in something other than being a child of God. It happens. It happens a lot. It happens to all of us and sometimes we just need someone, even a stranger to point it out. Isn't God good? He didn't allow me to wallow and sit in that puddle of self-doubt and belittling. He knew it would have been a waste. It would have been a  waste of a day away from everything, a day of silence, a day to create, a day to pour out my soul on this keyboard, but most importantly a day to be still enough to encounter Him and His love for me.

God can pour out His love as you write, sing, work, cook, or do just about anything. So I sat and wrote, and that makes me a writer. Pretty simple, eh? I found a spot, one of the rooms where I was close to the main room but at the same time away from everything. I would write and take stretching breaks. In one of those breaks I took a peek into the main room and I saw all these different people working away on their short stories, novels, poems, dissertations, and screenplays. This time, instead of feeling like a phony or fake I felt like I belonged. I was inspired by their silent creativity, their passion, their focus.

I'm sure there are times when you've felt like a fake or a poser. Maybe you didn't feel like that but maybe you let self doubt creep in to the point where you didn't even put yourself out there. When this has happened in the past, have you asked yourself why? Wait, maybe that's not the person you should ask. Have you asked God, the Holy Spirit why it is your feeling the way you are feeling? If you haven't I invite you to do so right now. No need to make it complicated, you can just say, "Yo God, what's up with this?"

He's good to respond and the answer may surprise you. Now, if by any chance (and it does not necessarily have to be this) it's a case of mistaken identity, I am here to remind you of where your true identity lies my friend. I promise you that no outwardly imposed label is as fulfilling and purpose filled as knowing that:

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #16: Food is the #1 thing that separates me from God.

That has been the most difficult title to type. I came to this realization today as I was talking to God on my drive home. Now I know I've had an issue with food for years. I won't go into all the details,  but it's not an issue that has gone unnoticed by me. I consider myself as someone who is pretty self aware and though I realized the psychological effect food has on me perfectly, I don't think I fully understood the spiritual hold it had on me. And I for sure did not realize that it was the #1 thing that separated me from God.

I started this post last night but I stopped. Not sure why. I wasn't overly exhausted. I had peace and quiet. There must've been something, something deep in me that I didn't want to share or maybe even worse, something I did not want to face. 

Over the past few months I found myself growing further and further away from God. It's not like I started a downhill spiral of poor behavior and bad choices. It was nothing like that but more of me slowly tuning down the radio of God's voice. There are many factors that contributed to this subtle and slow slippery slope, some of which I'm sure you've picked up in as I write in this series. Yet there was something about yesterday. That "AHA" or lightbulb moment came to me as I drove home from work. 

The Lord is faithful and good. He knows my love and passion for Him. He heard my desperate cries and prayers. He was not going to abandon me and let me continue in that season of silence. He is true and faithful. He needed me to be awake and attentive to His voice. He had things to tell me and I needed to be ready to listen.

How did He get me ready? How does any of this have to do with food? I'll share that in my next post. Until then, I ask you: has there ever been a time where food had separated you from God? Let's explore this together, let's  lean in and listen to what He has to say. 

Much Love, 

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #8: I never know what I'm going to write about...until I do.

Yes, it's true. I'd love to say I have this great plan and an outline for all my posts for this write 31 days challenge, but the truth is I don't. Dang, I'd wish I had a centralized theme or a few funny stories to use as material but I don't. The Confessions of a Faithonista is an idea that the Lord gave me a few months ago. It was just a title and I had no idea how I was going to use it. When this challenge came around a lightbulb went off...and this blog series was born.

To be totally honest, I thought it would be much easier than it's turning out to be.The word confession seemed to be perfect. I could just write about anything that came to my mind, giving me the freedom to create a story, share my heart, or speak my mind. Although all of that is true, there's one thing I wasn't counting on. One word that would creep in and throw my game plan into a tailspin. That word is:INSECURITY.

Yes, funny how it found its way into this precious space. How hard could it be to come up with things to write about? Well, just add some insecurity and second guessing and mix with a little overanalyzing and this whole project could come to a standstill.

It starts simple enough, I get an idea and I want to write about it. I can feel the words wanting to ooze out and then it all comes to a screeching halt, the wheels start turning and these are some of the conversations that I have:

• Is that too deep? 
• Is it not deep enough? 
• Is that really my story to share? 
• Will people think I'm weird? 
• What if "so and so" reads this? 
• Do I sound dumb?
• Is this blog becoming too much of a downer? 
• I hope people don't feel sorry for me. 
• I'm usually a very positive person. 
• Why do I sound so pathetic? 
• Why even bother? 
• I'm too tired to write anyways. 
• Ugh!!! 
• That sounds stupid. 
• I hope I don't offend anyone.

I could go on and on but you get the picture. I'm sure you've been there too. You don't need to participate in a blogging challenge to encounter insecurity. I have some good news for you. I want to share something really simple but profound and powerful when it comes to facing and slaying the monster of insecurity. I'll start by asking you to look at the word a little differently. Look at it like this:

"In" security instead of insecurity. Why look at it like this? What difference does it make? As I squeeze out some time each night write each night and ultimately hit the punish button, I have found that I am in the most ultimate security there is. I'm in His Security. God has me in His arms. He's wrapped every word I type with grace and healing. And just like that all the insecurities start to melt away. 

So if tonight your feeling insecure, you're in the best position you could ever be -- ready to be held in the secure arms of Our Heavenly Father. He's the only One that won't let you down. Let us face our insecurities tonight with the reminder that we indeed insecure...In the secure arms of the God that gave it all for us.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**