Confession #28: Some days I feel like a phony...FAKE

I sit here surrounded by beauty and writers. I sit here in silence as over twenty people are quietly creating, editing, revising, and crafting with words. I sit here in awe as I see them each engrossed in their own world with such focus and purpose. Or maybe not, maybe they are fighting the thoughts of their everyday lives to creep into their heads. What they are thinking about, I don't know. What I do know is that from the outside looking in they seem to be so much better than me, so much more focused than I am, so much more talented, so much more of a "real" writer than I'll ever be.

My day started after a two hour drive to come here. A write away day. I didn't know what it was all about, I just knew I needed to be there (here). Working a full time corporate job along with being a mom, wife, and friend leaves little time for what I believe God called me to do a couple of years ago, and that is to WRITE. When the year began and I sought the Lord to give me a new direction and purpose, I found that He wanted to show me new and creative ways to do it all. He wants us to renew and abide in Him, not running around like a chicken with its head cut off. Part of this journey of finding new ways led me on a search for a writer's retreat.

So here I find myself. In a beautiful home surrounded by beauty, nature, and silence. As I walked in there were already several writers gathered around a huge table. One of them was giving out general housekeeping instructions. I snuck in the back and got settles as I listened in. The sweet lady interrupted what she was doing to tell my friend and I that there were two seats available next to her. Just like that, insecurity and doubt crept in. I felt called out, exposed, and insecure as I took my place in front of everyone. Then I settled in, she continued to share how the rest of the day would go and which areas we were allowed it write in. But before any of that we had to introduce ourselves first. WAIT...WHAT?!?

I slowly and subtly tuned her out as I prayed not to go first, as I was sitting right next to her. What would I say? Who would care? I'm not a real writer...I'm just a girl that piddles away at her blog. Damn, I'm not even good at that. I started this write 31 days challenge in October last year and I'm still not done. Say what, she wants us to share our writing goals?!? Oh man, I'm in way over my head. No place to run though and I was two hours from home and I didn't bring my own car.

I pause to say as I type this out, I am taken back to a memory of the last time I found myself in a room full of people, far from home, not in my own car and wanting to run out. That was right before I encountered the most beautiful and powerful spiritual experience of my life up until that moment. Yes, that last time I wanted to run but didn't I encountered the full and perfect love of Jesus and found my freedom from fear, depression, and anxiety. So there truly is something about staying when all you want to do is run. It can be life altar-ing. 

So here sit and there I sat a few hours ago. Did God answer my prayer of not being first? Yes, of course He did; and be careful what you wish/pray for. Our leader for the day started with my friend who sat on the other side of her. After my friend went, we went around the table and room. By the third person, I was officially freaked out. These were REAL writers; poets, academic writers, screenwriters, novelists, playwrights, even a photographer and journalist. I let the voice whisper into my ear and sink into my soul that I somehow didn't belong. What would I say? I don't belong here. 

After what seemed like an eternity, it was my turn. I was the last one to go. So what did I do? I introduced myself, shared about my blog, why I was there, and my writing goals. You see, along the way as I was freaking out, I felt like God said it's ok, just be yourself, you belong here because I've brought you here. So I did. I was myself. I'm not gonna lie though, as soon as I got up to find my spot to write in for the day the same thoughts kept creeping in. I found myself, got settled, and began to write.

Sometimes you've gotta push past the thoughts of being a phony or a fake. In the end, they are just that, thoughts. Lies created to make us believe we cant walk out our purpose and calling in life. It's not about faking it until you make it. I wasn't quite sure what it was about when I sat down to write but soon, I would.

We took a break for lunch and had a chance to chat with some of the writers there. I sat down, ready to eat and struck up conversation with the lady next to me. I saw it as a perfect opportunity to come clean. I confessed to her, how I had felt. We talked about it and she said something, that AHA moment that comes when someone else says something you know but haven't necessarily believed in a while. She said it's an identity issue. BAM! It hit me. The reason I had felt the way I did is because in that moment I allowed my identity to lie in my achievements as a writer, which were none. They were none, not for any other reason than that I hadn't been writing for long or blogging consistently.

Ugh! I believed the lie...once again, I let my identity lie in something other than being a child of God. It happens. It happens a lot. It happens to all of us and sometimes we just need someone, even a stranger to point it out. Isn't God good? He didn't allow me to wallow and sit in that puddle of self-doubt and belittling. He knew it would have been a waste. It would have been a  waste of a day away from everything, a day of silence, a day to create, a day to pour out my soul on this keyboard, but most importantly a day to be still enough to encounter Him and His love for me.

God can pour out His love as you write, sing, work, cook, or do just about anything. So I sat and wrote, and that makes me a writer. Pretty simple, eh? I found a spot, one of the rooms where I was close to the main room but at the same time away from everything. I would write and take stretching breaks. In one of those breaks I took a peek into the main room and I saw all these different people working away on their short stories, novels, poems, dissertations, and screenplays. This time, instead of feeling like a phony or fake I felt like I belonged. I was inspired by their silent creativity, their passion, their focus.

I'm sure there are times when you've felt like a fake or a poser. Maybe you didn't feel like that but maybe you let self doubt creep in to the point where you didn't even put yourself out there. When this has happened in the past, have you asked yourself why? Wait, maybe that's not the person you should ask. Have you asked God, the Holy Spirit why it is your feeling the way you are feeling? If you haven't I invite you to do so right now. No need to make it complicated, you can just say, "Yo God, what's up with this?"

He's good to respond and the answer may surprise you. Now, if by any chance (and it does not necessarily have to be this) it's a case of mistaken identity, I am here to remind you of where your true identity lies my friend. I promise you that no outwardly imposed label is as fulfilling and purpose filled as knowing that:

YOU ARE A CHILD OF GOD.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #26: Traditions were meant to be broken

See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland.

-Isaiah 2:10

I am writing this coming off the holiday season and this in itself is an important part of the lesson I'm learning.  The idea for this post started off as a God whisper in the midst of the Christmas hustle and bustle. Something about this season in my life was different. I couldn't pinpoint what exactly what it was but none of it felt exactly like it had before. This was unsettling and freeing at the same time.

I had pretty much settled in to my new home town for a couple of years now, I've been with my husband for two years, my daughter is two, and I have been at the company I work for for over a year. So after several years of lots of new and different experience for the holidays, it finally seemed like we had our own little family and friend traditions pretty set...and when I say set I mean pretty much set in stone. And there my friends, lied the problem.

All of a sudden the expectations, the rituals, the self imposed traditions started to feel stifling, forced, almost as if we were enslaved to them. If it didn't fit into the many traditions we had, we tried to squeeze new experiences in, This led to arguments, burn out,and boredom. We all know that boredom can be the worst as leads to apathy. Honestly, I didn't want to spend my holidays like that anymore. So, I cleared my calendar (for the most part) and decided to go with the flow.

I had to wrap my head around it because for the most part, I'm pretty chill and go with the flow. So why all of a sudden did I cling so much to the traditions of the holidays? What about it made me cling on for dear life? Would Christmas not be as special if I deviated from the plan? Of course not. So when I got quiet enough to listen, the Lord clearly spoke to me the following:

TRADITIONS WERE MEANT TO BE BROKEN.

It was as if a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders. I felt at peace with my decision and so I waited. I waited to see what He had in store for me. What would He bring me when I broke away from the bondage of traditions and do Christmas, His way, by His design?

Please don't get me wrong, I love the traditions of Christmas and I'm not saying to ditch your traditions. What I am saying is what would happen if you pulled back for one second and asked yourself WHY you are doing it? How do you feel when you participate in them? Does it add stress and strife? Are you so busy in the holiday season that you wear yourself out trying to get it all done and being everywhere you need to be? Maybe that's not you at all, and that's great! It is something to think about though.

I'm blessed with the opportunity to talk to so many people from different walks of life on any given day. You know what? Most of them were stressed out around the holidays. These weren't people who are depressed and hate Christmas, just people who were tired, doing too much and spending more than they should in the name of tradition. Yet, many too afraid to break from the comfort that is tradition. Why? That's probably a topic for another post.

God is not about traditions. God is about creating. God isn't about staying in the old. God takes the old and makes something new and beautiful out of it. He did it for me this Christmas and He'll do this for you. Not just on Christmas but everyday of your life. So, what did my Christmas end up looking like? What was so great about skipping out on that family party? Well I'm so glad you asked...as usual, this post went long and what He did was AMAZING! Yes, full CAPS AMAZING!!! So amazing it needs its own post ;) Once, Confession #27 goes live just CLICK HERE and come along the journey with me.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #21: I know my purpose...and I want you to know yours!

I do not say this to be cocky or come across as presumptuous. I didn't always know my purpose. I many times wondered if I even had one. Have you ever had one of those days? You know the ones where you're not even sure if you'd be missed if all of a sudden you ceased to exist. Well, I have and it's not a fun place to be.

It's so sad that so many of us can go for years or our entire lives without knowing our purpose. That is not how it's supposed to be. God wants us to know our purpose so that we may walk confidently in our calling. And don't for a second think you don't have one, because you do! 

So how do you go about finding or better yet discovering what your purpose is? How did I find mine? I'll tell you the short version in this post and I'll invite you to dig deeper into this topic with me. It's something I'm passionate about. Purpose is all about identity. If you don't know who you are and whose you are, there is no way you can discover what it is you're here to do. It sounds simple but it truly is fundamental.

I began to comprehend and believe I had a specific purpose in life and in the Kingdom of God the moment I knew who I was in Him. And let me tell you it's not about just singing "I am a child of God" at church. You have to know that you know that you are His. You need to know where your identity truly lies.

Identity isn't about you trying to live up to the labels and roles that the world has placed on you. Your identity has nothing to do with the car you drive, your profession, who your married to, where you work, where you live, how you look, who you know, how tough you are, hoe much money you make, or the sins you've committed. It's none of that.

Now the enemy four souls would love for you to believe that, and let me tell you he has many convinced. He wants you to believe that because if you believe your identity is based on anything I've mentioned before than he has kept you focused on striving and living up to that standard and no matter whether it's labeled a "good" or "bad thing, it is exhausting, time consuming, and futile.

When we start to believe our own true identity, the striving stops. We can slow down, we can receive, and most importantly we can listen to what God has to say. When we listen to what God has to say, and I mean really listen there is nothing we can't do and nothing He will hold back from us, including our purpose.

A huge part of discovering my purpose came when I was able to develop my personal mission statement. This was birthed from a place of prayer, encouragement, and being open to listen to what the Holy Spirit had to say. In order to do this I had to identify and abolish beliefs I had about myself before I knew Christ. That exercise alone was so powerful, almost like losing into the clearest mirror and then looking into what God had in store for me in the future. If this is something you'd like me to do a Facebook live or Periscope  broadcast on, leave a comment below and make sure to follow me here or here. This isn't something God wants to keep hidden from you or have you spend your whole life searching for. Truth is, whether you know it or not, you are very much so living out your purpose already. Now, once you know what it is and you walk in the steps that God has aligned for you, the power is so much greater.

As for me, my mission statement which I wrote 3 years ago was this:

My mission is to bring defeated women to know their identity in Christ by sharing my story and bombarding them with God's truth.

Wow...and once again, I just realized how sweet God is! That is what this blog is all about. It wasn't planned, it's not about branding, it wasn't intentional to tie this all in. I honestly write what's on my mind and make no edits as I go. Afterwards I only correct typos (if I find them). So here I find myself living out the mission statement the Holy Spirit gave me 3 years ago in a whole new way. It's exciting and amazing and you can have this too...will you join me?

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #19: I've always wondered, what would happen if...

I have to say I love the "On this day" feature on Facebook. It's fun to see what I was doing or what was on my mind last year or six years ago. Some days I'm surprised by how much I've grown in my faith. Other days I long for the days where I heard so clearly from the Lord. Sometimes I see God's grace and His hand over my life and other times I just laugh at the silliness of my friends and myself. It can also be a not so fun feature, like when I see how much thinner I was five years ago or when I see reference of a friend that no longer is. But no matter what memories or feelings the trip down Facebook memory lane, it serves as a virtual scrapbook and let's be honest, ain't nobody got time to scrapbook (well, at least I don't).

One year ago today I posted a series of questions. Questions that were birthed out of a place of anger and frustration, a place of disappointment in how we treat each other as women. It was birthed out of love. These questions weren't hypothetical but more like a challenge for us to step up as women. We are failing each other and I believe these questions are still worth asking. We need to explore all these "What would happen if" scenarios. So as you read my Facebook post from a year ago I invite you to ask yourself "What if?" but more importantly ask yourself "What now?"

What would happen?

What would happen if women came together and supported each other? If they would encourage and uplift each other? If they would celebrate each others gifts and celebrated each other talents? What if they didn't feel threatened by each others successes and mentored other women so they could also succeed? What if they pulled their resources together and worked along side of each other? What would their ministries, businesses, legacies, and families look like if they did?

What if WE as women committed to try to do some things? If we were intentional on liking, sharing, and supporting the ventures, businesses, and ministries of the women in our sphere of influence? What if we were intentional to include people in our tribe and make them feel significant loved and included? What if we stopped idolizing celebrities and leaders and we celebrated the stay at home mom doing everything to keep it together,the homeless women just trying to make it another day, the teacher that loves and instructs your kids everyday, the beautiful lady that greets you at church, or that one that posts exactly what you needed to read on FB or Instagram? What if???

#womenneedwomen #celebrateeachother

Much Love, 

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #17: How stuffing myself with food deafened my ears towards God

So in my last post I shared how food was the #1 thing separating me from God. It might sound dramatic but it's 100% true. Food is that one thing that I have yet to overcome. Food is harder than so many other obstacles because of one simple fact: You can't just stop eating! Admit it, you can't.

Partying, wine, worrying, compulsive behavior, drugs, medication, shopping, exercise, gambling, and fill in the blank are all things that you can survive without doing. Now, don't think I'm saying giving up any of these behaviors are easy. They aren't. Every struggle is unique and should never be minimized as we don't know what it's like to walk in the shoes of someone else. But food, you can't avoid. You need it for survival and you can't escape it. FOOD IS EVERYWHERE!

I first noticed that we were bombarded by food options when I did my first fast. As I vowed not to eat for spiritual purposes, I started to notice for the first time how overwhelming food choices were. The simple act of walking into the gas station convenience store would turn into a spiritual and physical battle as I was surrounded by both salty and sweet, hot and cold, crunchy and soft food choices. And that was just the food, let me not even start on the drinks and aromas...

It was hard, but fasting is supposed to be. It's not natural to not hunger and to switch the mindset to hunger God more than food, just goes against our fleshy nature. I was able to fast successfully though. It gave me taste of how clearly I could hear God. I saw Him in everything. I wasn't distracted by food or anything for that matter. I had to rely solely on Him to get through every second of the day. I was close to Him, because I was so aware of my need for Him. He had to sustain me and nourish me.

I pause here to say there are several ways to fast, some don't even involve fasting from food. I am not endorsing or encouraging fasting for health reasons. I have my views but I am not an expert on the topic nor am I a health professional. So please do not take this post as advise on whether to fast or how to fast. I am just sharing with my experience as it helped lead me to the realization that food is a hindrance in my spiritual life.

So for the first time, it clicked. I saw the Biblical importance of fasting and why it is necessary in the spiritual life of a Christian. But it wasn't until a few days ago that I saw that God calling me to fast was also about this moment. This moment of personal revelation. An altar of faith, one to look back on and be reminded of how clearly I heard Him when I removed that distraction and how close I felt to Him because of it.

I will leave this post here for now. I ask you, has there ever been a time where God (or you) removed something from your life and you were able to hear Him clearer or feel Him more? What was this? Were you able to remove this from your life permanently? Let's explore this together...I feel like this confession/topic will be one we will dig in deep with and I would love to know YOUR point of view.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #15: I wrote this post from my cell phone...

This is a first. I'm attempting to totally write and publish this post entirely from my phone. On most nights I sit in bed and type away on my laptop, but tonight that just wasn't cutting it. I was tired and wanted to lay on my side. I just couldn't get comfortable enough to type in bed.

Have you ever tried typing while you are laying on your side? I promise you it's not easy.so I'm quite excited that so far this little experiment is working. I think I might be faster typing with my thumbs on my phone than I am on a computer.

I'm so in awe that I can do this, that I can't think of much else to write about than the fact that I can. I know I have a post brewing in me...yes the one about the casserole. But then once again I find myself too exhausted to think, too exhausted to face the feelings and emotions that go along with it. So until tomorrow, I will just bask in the fact that I can just post from my phone. 

Much Love, 

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #13: It's all about the fight...song

So David arose early in the morning and left the flock with a keeper and took the supplies and went as Jesse had commanded him. And he came to the circle of the camp while the army was going out in battle array shouting the war cry.

1 Samuel 17:20

When I think about the battles of life, I think about how music and song have gotten me through some of the toughest battles of my life. One day as I was journaling the Lord revealed to me why this was. He showed me that throughout history, anytime a soldier went into combat, there would be a battle cry. Battle cry is defined as:

bat·tle cry

noun

1. a word or phrase shouted by soldiers going into battle to express solidarity and intimidate the enemy.

   synonyms:

   war cry, war whoop, rallying call/cry;  rebel yell "the army's battle cry"

Like the lyrics from the song by Rachel Platten, we all need a fight song. Something that reminds us and incites us into motion, into action. It gets you pumped up, it reminds you who you are, and that you can do it. I've had more than one battle cry throughout the years. Almost as if God gives me the perfect song right when I need it. 

Lyrics from "Fight Song" by Rachel Platten

Yesterday I discovered a new song. I half listened until the lyrics just shook me. This is the part that stood out to me:

We'll walk through fire and ice

Come out the other side with diamonds in our eyes

[Chorus]

So princess, hold your head high

Even if you have to cry

Don't let your crown fall

Don't let your crown fall

Your script is in the making

You can hold the aching but

Don't let your crown fall

The lyrics get even better, just take a listen for yourself...

So tonight, if you haven't yet ..find you're battle cry. Find your fight song. Life hits hard and you're gonna need it. And remember sweet sister...Don't let your crown fall.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #12: What I learned sitting in my dark closet tonight.

Tonight I sat in my closet and did something I've done so many times before, I sat and prayed and talked to some of my favorite peeps behind the screen. I was using the app called Persicope to livestream some prayer time with others. Truth is for a season the Lord had me wake up every day around 6 am for this very purpose. It has been one of the greatest blessings of my life. 

My prayerscopes were a crucial part of the birth of my ministry Women's Night of Prayer, also known as WNOPtribe. In all honesty Periscope was an amazing tool and vehicle that the Lord used to bring together some of the most amazing people I've ever met. We are family and friends in the truest definition of the word. After not being on regularly in months I wasn't sure if anyone I knew would be on tonight. But then all of a sudden a familiar face popped up, sweet Marlene.

We also had some new people on tonight. Some from Turkey, a lady from Chicago, and other lovely people that came in to say hi.One thing I've always done on my scopes is be truthful and honest. That honesty became a huge blessing. When Marlene asked how I was doing, I was honest. I was good, but I was exhausted. I am in a rough season where I feel very isolated. We talked through it, we prayed through it...and then all of a sudden:

THE LIGHT IN MY CLOSET WENT OUT.

Just like that, no warning. I opened the door to let some light in and prepared to hop off. Oh no! God had another plan. The light going off,instead of discouraging Marlene it reminded her of the scripture below.

When she shared it, it hit me. This is the season I am in. This is the lifeline verse that I've been asking for. God used this moment to remind me that yes, I have fallen...but I will rise. That I might be sit ting in the darkness, but that He is my light.

It gave me a sense of relief. It was a reminder of everything that is true. That I am not alone. The darkness on the scope tonight only lasted until I opened the door. Once I did that, the light flooded in. 

It's time to arise! It's time to open the door!

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #9: Last night I was too tired to write...so I didn't.

This could be my go to prayer as of late. It seems like lately (past few weeks) I've been tired to the point of exhaustion. It would seem crazy that knowing this I would choose to take on this challenge but I did. There's actually some health reasons along with just what's going in my life right now to make the  exhaustion that has hit me almost bring me to the point of crashing.

Luckily, after first facing this extreme type of exhaustion last year before being properly diagnosed I've learned to pick up on the cues my body starts to send me. I consider it a win that I crash anywhere from 9 - 10 pm  instead of the 2 or 3 pm window. I'll share more about my Hashimotos Thyroiditis in a future post. It's kind of a long story and as you can see from tonight's post, I'm too tired to tell it now. LOL.

So back to last night. I was exhausted. Normally I would push on through and throw together a post. I committed to this challenge and I've pushed through the exhaustion before in order to stand true to my commitment. But not last night. Last night I gave myself the rest I deserved without any guilt whatsoever. As women and moms we sometimes set our expectations and standards so high that we forget to take care of ourselves. That is not ok.

Sweet sister, don't over work yourself. You don't have to be supermom, or wife, or sister, or coworker, or friend. You are perfect just the way you are. You have permission to rest...even God did on the seventh day.

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #8: I never know what I'm going to write about...until I do.

Yes, it's true. I'd love to say I have this great plan and an outline for all my posts for this write 31 days challenge, but the truth is I don't. Dang, I'd wish I had a centralized theme or a few funny stories to use as material but I don't. The Confessions of a Faithonista is an idea that the Lord gave me a few months ago. It was just a title and I had no idea how I was going to use it. When this challenge came around a lightbulb went off...and this blog series was born.

To be totally honest, I thought it would be much easier than it's turning out to be.The word confession seemed to be perfect. I could just write about anything that came to my mind, giving me the freedom to create a story, share my heart, or speak my mind. Although all of that is true, there's one thing I wasn't counting on. One word that would creep in and throw my game plan into a tailspin. That word is:INSECURITY.

Yes, funny how it found its way into this precious space. How hard could it be to come up with things to write about? Well, just add some insecurity and second guessing and mix with a little overanalyzing and this whole project could come to a standstill.

It starts simple enough, I get an idea and I want to write about it. I can feel the words wanting to ooze out and then it all comes to a screeching halt, the wheels start turning and these are some of the conversations that I have:

• Is that too deep? 
• Is it not deep enough? 
• Is that really my story to share? 
• Will people think I'm weird? 
• What if "so and so" reads this? 
• Do I sound dumb?
• Is this blog becoming too much of a downer? 
• I hope people don't feel sorry for me. 
• I'm usually a very positive person. 
• Why do I sound so pathetic? 
• Why even bother? 
• I'm too tired to write anyways. 
• Ugh!!! 
• That sounds stupid. 
• I hope I don't offend anyone.

I could go on and on but you get the picture. I'm sure you've been there too. You don't need to participate in a blogging challenge to encounter insecurity. I have some good news for you. I want to share something really simple but profound and powerful when it comes to facing and slaying the monster of insecurity. I'll start by asking you to look at the word a little differently. Look at it like this:

"In" security instead of insecurity. Why look at it like this? What difference does it make? As I squeeze out some time each night write each night and ultimately hit the punish button, I have found that I am in the most ultimate security there is. I'm in His Security. God has me in His arms. He's wrapped every word I type with grace and healing. And just like that all the insecurities start to melt away. 

So if tonight your feeling insecure, you're in the best position you could ever be -- ready to be held in the secure arms of Our Heavenly Father. He's the only One that won't let you down. Let us face our insecurities tonight with the reminder that we indeed insecure...In the secure arms of the God that gave it all for us.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #7: No, I'm not ok.

                           

Today I had a friend come up to me at church and ask me if I was ok and I felt free and vulnerable enough to say no, I wasn't. This friend of mine is the real deal. We don't talk every day...to be honest we haven't spoken or even texted in months. I'm not a high maintenance friend and when I say that I mean that when I'm your friend I'm there for you unconditionally whether we spoke to each other last this morning or three years ago. 

Over the years I've come to learn which of my friends are the same way. My friend this morning is one of those friends. I won't mention her name because, she doesn't need or want the attention. She is one of those people that will be your vocal supporter and a knight in shining armor on the down low. She's a hands on problem solver. When she says she loves you and your family, you KNOW she means it. It's something about the look in her eyes. She's safe. I've never seen her turn her noise up at anyone. She's level headed and wise. She's kind and generous and selfless. 

In other words, she embodies and walks out Jesus' love and I'm blessed that she pours it out on me. So when she looked at me today, after not speaking in several months and asked me if I was ok I was able to say no. That is what a safe friendship looks like. She just knew and squeezed my hand and said we would meet up this week. As I fought back the tears, I felt a huge wave of love, relief, and gratitude. Grateful that God has placed a friend like this at exactly the moment I needed it. To be able to be real and genuine and admit you're not ok is a luxury in today's society. You know it. I know it. We live in times where wearing masks and putting up the highlight reels of our lives on social media is the norm. Vulnerability many times equates weakness. And that is not ok.

Without vulnerability and taking off our masks, there is no healing. See, today's two minute encounter reminded me of another time God sent me a friend to ask if I was ok. It was three years ago at the gym. My workout partner, whom I wasn't close with asked me how I was...and I broke down. I was in tears, not knowing exactly what was wrong but knowing that I was not ok. Long story short, that day in the gym was the beginning of my journey of faith. That one conversation led to an invite to a class which the Lord would use to bring me to Him. This memory came flooding back to me today as soon as I said I wasn't ok. And then, all of a sudden I smiled and felt peace and hope. Almost as if God was sending me that sweet reminder that the moment I confront the truth that I need Him is the moment he can come in and bring the most amazing breakthrough. 

Tonight I thank the friends that have created the safe space for me to not be ok. Thanks to them I can open my heart to healing and God's grace. No need to pretend, fake smile, or live in denial. 

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**