People Worship – What it is and how the Lord is stripping me of it.

For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please man? If I were still trying to please man, I would not be a servant of Christ. – Galatians 1:10

So today I sit here to write and before I even thought about starting, I felt like today’s post was going to be different. A little more personal, a little more revealing, a little more healing, and a lot more scary to type. Now I don’t know why that was. I have a rough list of some topics to write about but honestly, I just ask the Holy Spirit which direction I’m to go in each day. Sometimes a conversation with a friend will inspire me. Other times a Facebook post or a podcast might spark something in my spirit that makes me want to write. So I’m not sure what about today seemed different as I waited for the Lord to show me the direction He wanted me to go. I do know this everything that has happened my entire life and especially these last two weeks have been leading up to this post. I pray that once you read this you don’t find it underwhelming (this is part of my problem) but either way it doesn’t really matter. I am writing this for me, out of obedience to the Lord. Because I know that the other side of this post there is FREEDOM for me. And I don’t take that lightly. I yearn for a greater sense of freedom with each breath that I take. So I chose to submit to the calling of the Lord to write this and trust Him with the outcome.

My name is Cristina and I struggle with people pleasing. I might act like I don’t care what people think or say of me but I do. I care a lot. I care TOO MUCH. And the Lord has been sweet to reveal the “why” of this a few minutes as I went to sit down and write this. You wanna know why? I’ll tell you why, because

I WORSHIP PEOPLE.

Yes, it’s an ugly truth and I sit here in tears as I type this. Not out of shame but out of sadness that I’ve been displacing my God given need and ability to worship to something other than God. I’ve been asking the Lord to reveal and search my heart and it hit me like a tsunami of emotion. How do I know this is the root? How did I make the connection? Well, I’ve known most of my entire life that I was a people pleaser. I’d say yes to things I didn’t want to just so people would like me and not get angry, I’d go above and beyond my energy and resources to make everyone’s life easier at the expense of my sanity, health, family, relationships, and/or finances. And boy did I pay the price! I’d find myself being resentful and bitter towards people that would take “advantage” of my kindness. But the truth was, none of it came from a place of kindness, it came from a need. A need that no man or woman could fill. The approval of a person could never fill the hole that was in my heart. So what would I do when I got angry, upset, or disappointed? I’d stuff it. I’d stuff those feelings way down in the depths of my soul. Yet no matter how far I buried them the consequences and scars would not go away. They’d manifest in lashing out (every couple of years), depression, anxiety, insomnia, and whole slew of self-destructive behavior. It sounds pathetic and sad doesn’t it? But not all was lost.

For they loved the glory that comes from man more than the glory that comes from God. – John 12:43

Here’s the good news: When I started having a relationship with Jesus Christ I realized how broken I was and the only one who could save me was God. Things got better. I was delivered from anxiety, depression, and insomnia. My life totally changed. Some of it came instantaneously, other things took longer and I had to work through because healing and freedom comes in layers. The amazing thing about God is how He knows how much we can handle at once. The more I pressed in and sought Him, the more He would reveal and heal me. With each day since the day I was saved I can honestly say I have walked in more and more freedom.

Let’s fast forward to a couple of weeks ago when my iphone died the painful death of the white screen. One day, poof…it was gone. Now those who know me personally, know how attached I was to my phone. To say I was dependent on it is a huge understatement. But for some reason this time I didn’t go into a panic. Maybe I was too busy to care? I was busy but I doubt it. I started to feel a huge sense of freedom. It was bizarre. The item that I thought was my lifeline to the outside world, I was happier without. It felt nice to not be readily available to answer everyone’s questions. I enjoyed not being sucked into other people’s drama, or reading and participating in gossip talk (let me just say that if you’re talking about someone and it’s not uplifting and life giving, then it is GOSSIP…I’m guilty of it, won’t deny it). I FELT FREE! I loved it. I learned a lot which I’ll save for another time. One thing I noticed about myself was how horrible I felt about myself when people who I would hear from daily  fell into the abyss of the white screen when I no longer had a phone.

Sweet peeps, hear my heart: I know people are busy. We all have lives, families, priorities, life gets busy, things happen. I get it. And I pretty quickly realized it wasn’t about anyone…this was about me. I started to ask the Lord why I was feeling so alone and isolated. I had no reason to. I saw my friends, We had a  party, my family was here, I have great co-workers, a huge network of brothers and sisters I connect with online…I’m part of an AMAZING TRIBE! So what was wrong with me? What in my heart was off that I was feeling rejected and alone? To be totally honest and transparent, it came to an all-time high over the past couple of days. But now I realize the Lord allowed me to go through that storm, those feelings, to bring me to this point right now. He’s called me to write about worship and taking worship to a whole new level in our lives. But how could I do that if there was a part of me that still worshipped people? I wrote about it yesterday, displaced worship. The heart check was not how we worship but who or what we worship. And as I closed that blog post in prayer little did I know He would be answering my prayer so quickly.

You see now I know, and knowing is freedom and power. I can now surrender that to the Lord and allow Him to take me to a new level of freedom and that my friends is an exhilarating feeling. Once you get a taste of freedom you CRAVE more. People pleasing or people worship is placing people on a pedestal and expecting them to fulfill needs that only God can. It’s rooted in fear. Yes people pleasing is rooted in fear, fear of rejection, fear of man. I am no longer a slave to fear…I am a child of God!

Lord, we praise you for truth and revelation. We seek freedom in you and everything you have to offer. Holy Spirit wash over us, continue to open our eyes and hearts for anything that is holding us back from worshipping God, our Lord and Savior, the way He has called us to. Lord may we never seek the glory of man more than the glory of God. Lord we love you and thank you for healing and freedom. Teach us Lord how to worship you in ways worthy of our calling. In Jesus’ sweet and Holy name we pray. Amen.

Many Blessings,

Cristina