Confession #1: I don't always go to church...and I don't feel guilty about it

Depending on how you know me this might or might not come as a shock to you. On the other hand, depending on your life experiences is how you react to which part of my statement is considered a "confession". Now before you react and either 1-)start praying for me and try to schedule an intervention over coffee or 2-) start cheering me on because you know...you can be spiritual without going to church, I ask that  you hear me out. This confession is one so faceted and complex (at least it is to me) and is not a conclusion I came to on a whim or after a bad experience, but rather a state of being after years of living, loving, thinking, and experiencing different aspects of what "church" means and who God is in my life.

Let's start with the first part of my statement: I don't always go to church. That is 100% true. No, I don't always make it on Sundays. I haven't been to a Wednesday night event or study in months. Am I proud of this? No. Am I ashamed of this? Nope. It just is what it is right now. It's what's right for me in this moment in time. Let me rewind a few years...ok, maybe several years. Let me give you a glimpse of what attending church meant to me, what it represented to me. 

I grew up in a religion where not attending church on Sunday was a sin. It was engrained, instilled, and pounded into my mind as a child. It was the type of sin that according to religion, would condemn me to hell. Scary huh? Imagine that in the mind of a child who already had the tendency to overanalyze things like I did. My family didn't always make it to church. I would obsess over the fact that we would go to hell and I had no control of getting there. So when I grew up and became an adult church attendance became sort of like a New Year's resolution. Actually, it made my list of resolutions on more than one occasion. 

In all fairness, I did not know the Lord back then. I knew of Him. I prayed (sporadically and misguided but I prayed) and knew I had "someone" watching over me. But I didn't get it. When I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior something inside me changed. It clicked. I realized for the first time that I didn't have to "go to church" every Sunday. Guess what though? I WANTED TO! My heart yearned for Sundays. I did not miss one, not because I "had to" but because I wanted to. I loved it so much, I would go and serve in youth group on Tuesdays, and small groups on Wednesday. I was busy, I was always driving to and from church, and I LOVED IT!

Now before you start thinking, oh poor Cristina she's fallen off the church wagon or is being led astray, I need you to know how I got to where I am now and how I love this time in my life too. I'll start by saying that I don't love Jesus any less than I did back then. I love Him more and more each day. This journey, this statement has nothing to do with my views on Jesus or the condition of my heart towards him but rather on what the word "church" means to me. My definition of church was based on the the typical definition: n. 1. a building used for public Christian worship. 2. a particular Christian organization, typically one with its own clergy, buildings, and distinctive doctrines. 3.the hierarchy of clergy of a Christian organization, especially the Roman Catholic Church or the Church of England.4. institutionalized religion as a political or social force.

Some synonyms for church are: place of worship, house of God, house of worship, denomination, ecclesial community. But what if I told you church is so much more than that? Would you believe me? What if I told you that the word Jesus that was translated as "church" in the Bible meant originally a collection of people - a meeting, a gathering or community? Would you understand where I am going? Would you understand where I've been?

The church Jesus talked about was not a building with scheduled services, a kid's club and a rocking worship band. It was not filled with pews, have a steeple, and an organ so massive that it seems to touch the sky. It was not about conferences, classes, and community service. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of that. I love that communities have a place where people can easily identify a community of believers. Where outsiders can look towards and know (hopefully) that when they are ready they can cross the doors and be welcomed into a family faith. All of that is an amazing testament to God's Church but it isn't The Church.

The Church is you and me. It's out there not in here. Wherever believers are gathered, is a representation of the living, breathing Church. It's that dinner with your friends when you reminisce of God's goodness. It's the coffee you have when your friend's heart is broken and she just needs you to listen. It's when you pay forward that random act of kindness at the Chick-fil-A or Starbucks not because you have to but because love flows from you. When you take that extra moment to smile at the cashier at Walmart. The Church is more than a noun, it's a verb. It is love because Jesus is love.

Now back to why I don't feel guilty about not always attending church. Little "c" church is great, it's more than that. It's important and necessary but what it is not is God. church is not God. It doesn't substitute God or a relationship with God. And though I loved going to church and serving and everything about it, in many ways it became my little "g" God. The performance driven side of me thrived on all the "good" I was doing. Don't get me wrong, I was doing good. I truly worshipped and prayed while I was there. While all of that was true, as time went by and I grew closer to the Lord, I realized I didn't "need" church to feel close to God. I didn't need to attend to serve Him or worship Him or prove my worth to Him. I had nothing to prove. He loved me exactly and perfectly. It finally clicked.

There's no reason to feel guilty for not attending a church service. Really there's not, I promise. Am I advocating not to go to church to prove this? No! Not at all. That's the beauty of true relationship with the Lord, it's unique and personal. I know many of you reading this love your church community, and that's a beautiful and awesome thing. Keep going, keep serving, keep loving, and just keep doing what it is God is calling you to do. My prayer is that you continue to thrive and pour out your love there as long as the Lord leads you.

I know there are others who maybe don't go to church, either by choice or by circumstance. Maybe you don't know how to go back, or maybe you've never been, and that's ok too. Maybe your the person that has been hurt by the church, and you just can't buy the, "church is filled with imperfect people" spiel that people want to sell you, I get that too. I've been there, at that place where you feel suffocated as you walk in the door because of the hurt and pain caused. My prayer for you as that you don't let that pull you away from Jesus, that your relationship with a church never reflect the relationship you have with your Savior.

Do I have all the answers? No. I think I've rambled on long enough for tonight. If you've read this far there's one thing I'd love for you to leave with and it's this: Jesus loves you. The Church is living and active and if you proclaim Jesus as your Lord and Savior you are a part of it, whether you like it or not. Don't let your attendance record or membership status become a badge of honor or weapon of condemnation. It is what it is, it's not who you are.

Much love,
Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**