They say that some friends are for a season, and that's so very true. They come in and out of your life at exactly the right time, then life takes over and for whatever the reason you drift away.These are not the friends I am talking about.
I'm talking about the friends I've lost not from death, distance, or moving. The ones where you can recall the exact moment you realized it would never be the same. The ones that when the friendship ended, felt worse than a breakup. Sometimes life sucks and losing a friend is one of those moments. It hurts, and I've felt all of the emotions; sadness, anger, betrayal, shock, disbelief,sorrow. And the aftermath can be even more brutal. From navigating with how to deal with being excluded from the social circle you took for granted,to the aftershocks of comments and running into people who inform you that "they said this or that about you".
It's tough...and in the age of social media is so much worse.At any given moment you can see pictures of your ex-friendshaving a blast without you or be on the back end of a status, meme, or tweet you just know was directed at you.
Truth is, I've lost more than one friend over the years. And each loss has been uniquely painful. Sometimes I have no one else to blame but myself and my brokenness at the time. Other times, it's been a boundary I've had to set because my well being was at stake. I've lost more than one since I found my faith, which was very hard to understand as a new Christian who just wanted to love anyone. But you know which ones hurt the worst? The ones that I have no idea what went wrong. They ate away at me for a very long time. The not knowing played on my insecurities and I would replay every word I said and everything I did to try and understand how I pushed them away.
Funny thing is, as more time goes by and the more I heal from my own hangups and hurts the less I dwell on the ending part of the friendship. I look back on each and everyone of those people with love. I appreciate the time we spent together, the memories created, and the lessons learned. The laughs, the late nights, and the heartache we faced together. In all honesty, I'm so grateful to social media like Facebook. I've been able to reconnect with some of the friends that no longer were. And maybe we aren't the friends we used to be, it's ok. I'd rather have them in my life in a new way than not having them at all.
To all the friends I've lost, I'm sorry. I'm sure no matter whose "fault" it was, my brokenness was a huge part of the outcome. I wasn't good at communicating, I was paralyzed by fear and insecurities, I avoided my problems at all cost, and sometimes I was just a jerk...and for that I'm sorry. If I ever let you down, if wasn't there when you needed me, if I was self-centered and hyper focused on my situation...I'm sorry. I love you. Whether we come together as friends again or not, I want you to know you are a part of my story, my triumph, and you occupy peace of my heart.
Much love,
Cristina
**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**
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