Confession #5: To all my friends that no longer are...I love you

They say that some friends are for a season, and that's so very true. They come in and out of your life at exactly the right time, then life takes over and for whatever the reason you drift away.These are not the friends I am talking about.

I'm talking about the friends I've lost not from death, distance, or moving. The ones where you can recall the exact moment you realized it would never be the same. The ones that when the friendship ended, felt worse than a breakup. Sometimes life sucks and losing a friend is one of those moments. It hurts, and I've felt all of the emotions; sadness, anger, betrayal, shock, disbelief,sorrow. And the aftermath can be even more brutal. From navigating with how to deal with being excluded from the social circle you took for granted,to the aftershocks of comments and running into people who inform you that "they said this or that about you". 

It's tough...and in the age of social media is so much worse.At any given moment you can see pictures of your ex-friendshaving a blast without you or be on the back end of a status, meme, or tweet you just know was directed at you. 

Truth is, I've lost more than one friend over the years. And each loss has been uniquely painful. Sometimes I have no one else to blame but myself and my brokenness at the time. Other times, it's been a boundary I've had to set because my well being was at stake. I've lost more than one since I found my faith, which was very hard to understand as a new Christian who just wanted to love anyone. But you know which ones hurt the worst? The ones that I have no idea what went wrong. They ate away at me for a very long time. The not knowing played on my insecurities and I would replay every word I said and everything I did to try and understand how I pushed them away.

Funny thing is, as more time goes by and the more I heal from my own hangups and hurts the less I dwell on the ending part of the friendship. I look back on each and everyone of those people with love. I appreciate the time we spent together, the memories created, and the lessons learned. The laughs, the late nights, and the heartache we faced together. In all honesty, I'm so grateful to social media like Facebook. I've been able to reconnect with some of the friends that no longer were. And maybe we aren't the friends we used to be, it's ok. I'd rather have them in my life in a new way than not having them at all. 

To all the friends I've lost, I'm sorry. I'm sure no matter whose "fault" it was, my brokenness was a huge part of the outcome. I wasn't good at communicating, I was paralyzed by fear and insecurities, I avoided my problems at all cost, and sometimes I was just a jerk...and for that I'm sorry. If I ever let you down, if wasn't there when you needed me, if I was self-centered and hyper focused on my situation...I'm sorry. I love you. Whether we come together as friends again or not, I want you to know you are a part of my story, my triumph, and you occupy peace of my heart.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #4: Memes are my love language

I'm sorry if you've come here to read something deep from the bottom of my soul, something profound and melancholy, or something uber spiritual. No, this isn't a catchy title just to bait and switch you into reading something deep. None of that nonsense! Tonight I won't be digging into my past traumas, failures, or insecurities. Thank God, right!?!? One can only take those heavy hitting topics in doses...and I think we've all had our fill for the next couple of days. So tonight I come to you with a very TRUE confession: I LOVE MEMES!

I'm not really sure when my obsession with memes even started. it was very natural and organic. When I first saw the word meme I thought to myself, "what is that and most importantly, how do you even pronounce it?" I mean, seriously, is it pronounced MEEM or MEE-MEE? Is there even a right way of pronouncing it? Well I'm glad you asked! According to the Google dictionary, The official source of popular vernacular,the proper pronunciation is /mēm/. And while we are looking at the dictionary we might as well define meme for those of you who still might be a little lost and know what I'm talking about. 

Meme - n. 

• a humorous image, video, piece of text, etc. that is copied (often with slight variations) and spread rapidly by Internet users.

  
  

  I'm telling you, these digital pieces of artistic interpretation can evoke and help me express almost any emotion I feel at any giving moment. Some people come home and unwind with a glass (or bottle) of wine while others seek out the endorphins fueled euphoric high that comes from exercise. Nope not me...give me a good meme and it will change my mood. Want another confession? I sometimes scroll on Facebook and search for controversial posts just to scroll down the comments and relish in the meme war that has ensued. Never tried it? You must! I promise that it will offer hours of entertainment.

  
  

  
  

  So why do I love memes so much? Let me tell you.

  
  

  If you're having a bad day...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  
  

  If you're tired of politics...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  
  

  If you love cats...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  P.S. There's an unspoken rule that the most EPIC memes are cat memes.
  
  If you're single and lonely...there's a meme for that.
  
  
  
  Married and miserable? You guessed it....there's a meme for that too.
  
  
  
  Kids driving you crazy...there's a meme for that.

  

  
  

  Having a bad hair day...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  
  

  Love your country...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  
  

  Tired of all the new wave of made popular words created by this text happy generation...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  Did I mention that cat meme's are the most epic?
  
  Wanna throw some shade...there's a meme for that
  
  

  
  

  You hate your job...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  
  

  It's your husband's birthday today...there's a meme for that. (Happy Birthday Hunny!)

  
  

  

  
  

  You get the picture right? There's a meme for just about anything...and if you like memes don't even get me started on GIFs!  But in all seriousness, before I sign off there's one more meme I'd like to share with you.

  
  

  Needing inspiration, encouragement, or the strength to move on...there's a meme for that.

  
  

  

  
  

  Come on now, you didn't really think I wouldn't throw some God in there? No matter how much fun memes are, my peace, my strength, and my joy come from the LORD alone. If you ever need any of that or want to know more about my faith and who I put my trust in feel free to IM or email me. We need to talk!

  
  

  Much love,

  
  

  Cristina

  
  

  **This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

  
  

Confession #3: Tonight I don't feel like writing, like for reals!

So umm...yeah. I kinda don't feel like writing tonight. Like not at all.  I don't care about punctuation or grammar or any of it. I couldn't think of a specific thing I wanted to focus on, not anything confession worthy anyway.

I'm exhausted, worn out, fatigued, and just plain tired. But for some reason I felt compelled to write just that. For the first time ever I'm committed to this process. For the first time  ever I'm pushing through the exhaustion to do something just for me. No deadline at work, no one waiting on a response, no one to jump my butt if I don't get it done. As I sit here and type this out, I must admit that I honestly thought it would be a couple of sentences and a meme like this one:

But to my surprise I'm coming more and more alive as I sit and type. It's weird, and fun, and amazing all at once. I feel like I've finally get what this whole writing thing is all about. It's not about being the best, most eloquent, admired, followed, or witty writer. It's not about how many people even read what I write. It doesn't really even matter if not one person does.

God told me very clearly a couple of years ago, to write. I did not obey. I allowed every single excuse get in the way. I didn't understand why He wanted me to write. What did He even want me to say? So instead of digging into prayer and asking Him, I took the path of less resistance. And oh, how I've paid for it! If only I had known the release, the healing, the rejuvenating, and freedom I am finding at this moment by just jotting down my thoughts, I would have been ALL IN! I guess God really does know what He's doing...Oh when will learn? 

So yeah...tonight I didn't want to write, but as I did God brought a little part of me back to life. Ahhh...and it feels so good!

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #2: I've battled anxiety ...and I took all the meds

Today's post was inspired by one of the first things I read this morning as I scrolled down my Facebook feed. A poignant status from a friend came attached to a link to an article from The Huffington Post titled, What I Mean When I Say ‘I Have Anxiety’. I was immediately drawn the title and clicked. 

Anytime I see a post on anxiety I always wonder if it will be an accurate portrayal of the hell that it really is. I wonder what voice and point of view it will be written in. Will it be the view of the person living with a loved one with acute anxiety or will it focus on children or teens battling this crippling affliction? One thing is for certain, I will ALWAYS click.

I click because my heart still feels the pain that anxiety brings. I click in hopes to share with someone who might need that sense of encouragement and hope. I click because I don't want anyone to suffer from anxiety, or anything that impacts their emotional, spiritual, or mental health. I click because it's the demon I faced for so long (starting in my childhood all through my teens and most of my adult life). 

A meme because sometimes laughing about it is the best medicine.

Maybe I'll share my story of overcoming depression and anxiety in this space one day. It's a story I love to share because I know first hand the suffering that comes with living through anxiety but I also know what the sweet taste of freedom is like. Today though, it's not about that. This confession is more about one of things that bothers me that comes along with anxiety and all mental health issues and became very apparent today as I read this article and the comments that accompanied it---the stigma.

Though we've made huge strides in fighting the stigma surrounding mental illness, there's one area where people, yes even Christians, are very vocal about judging and ostracizing people about. It's cloaked in shame and secrecy for many. It's the fact about using medication as part of the treatment and road to recovery. 

I won't use this space to debate the use and efficacy of meds. The only purpose of this post is to do my little bit of helping de-stigmatize the topic. How do you start tearing down the walls of stigma on any topic? You remove the shame, by just opening up and talking about it. When you become vocal, and say "Guess what? Me too." you slowly start the dialogue, that brings forth, the healing that brings on the freedom. And freedom, oh freedom tastes so sweet. The more that people feel freedom from the things that shackled them in shame, the more they will share and the less stigma will exist. This is true for any topic.

So today I share, I battled anxiety...and I took all the meds.

Much Love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #1: I don't always go to church...and I don't feel guilty about it

Depending on how you know me this might or might not come as a shock to you. On the other hand, depending on your life experiences is how you react to which part of my statement is considered a "confession". Now before you react and either 1-)start praying for me and try to schedule an intervention over coffee or 2-) start cheering me on because you know...you can be spiritual without going to church, I ask that  you hear me out. This confession is one so faceted and complex (at least it is to me) and is not a conclusion I came to on a whim or after a bad experience, but rather a state of being after years of living, loving, thinking, and experiencing different aspects of what "church" means and who God is in my life.

Let's start with the first part of my statement: I don't always go to church. That is 100% true. No, I don't always make it on Sundays. I haven't been to a Wednesday night event or study in months. Am I proud of this? No. Am I ashamed of this? Nope. It just is what it is right now. It's what's right for me in this moment in time. Let me rewind a few years...ok, maybe several years. Let me give you a glimpse of what attending church meant to me, what it represented to me. 

I grew up in a religion where not attending church on Sunday was a sin. It was engrained, instilled, and pounded into my mind as a child. It was the type of sin that according to religion, would condemn me to hell. Scary huh? Imagine that in the mind of a child who already had the tendency to overanalyze things like I did. My family didn't always make it to church. I would obsess over the fact that we would go to hell and I had no control of getting there. So when I grew up and became an adult church attendance became sort of like a New Year's resolution. Actually, it made my list of resolutions on more than one occasion. 

In all fairness, I did not know the Lord back then. I knew of Him. I prayed (sporadically and misguided but I prayed) and knew I had "someone" watching over me. But I didn't get it. When I came to know Jesus as my Lord and Savior something inside me changed. It clicked. I realized for the first time that I didn't have to "go to church" every Sunday. Guess what though? I WANTED TO! My heart yearned for Sundays. I did not miss one, not because I "had to" but because I wanted to. I loved it so much, I would go and serve in youth group on Tuesdays, and small groups on Wednesday. I was busy, I was always driving to and from church, and I LOVED IT!

Now before you start thinking, oh poor Cristina she's fallen off the church wagon or is being led astray, I need you to know how I got to where I am now and how I love this time in my life too. I'll start by saying that I don't love Jesus any less than I did back then. I love Him more and more each day. This journey, this statement has nothing to do with my views on Jesus or the condition of my heart towards him but rather on what the word "church" means to me. My definition of church was based on the the typical definition: n. 1. a building used for public Christian worship. 2. a particular Christian organization, typically one with its own clergy, buildings, and distinctive doctrines. 3.the hierarchy of clergy of a Christian organization, especially the Roman Catholic Church or the Church of England.4. institutionalized religion as a political or social force.

Some synonyms for church are: place of worship, house of God, house of worship, denomination, ecclesial community. But what if I told you church is so much more than that? Would you believe me? What if I told you that the word Jesus that was translated as "church" in the Bible meant originally a collection of people - a meeting, a gathering or community? Would you understand where I am going? Would you understand where I've been?

The church Jesus talked about was not a building with scheduled services, a kid's club and a rocking worship band. It was not filled with pews, have a steeple, and an organ so massive that it seems to touch the sky. It was not about conferences, classes, and community service. Don't get me wrong, I'm not saying there's anything wrong with any of that. I love that communities have a place where people can easily identify a community of believers. Where outsiders can look towards and know (hopefully) that when they are ready they can cross the doors and be welcomed into a family faith. All of that is an amazing testament to God's Church but it isn't The Church.

The Church is you and me. It's out there not in here. Wherever believers are gathered, is a representation of the living, breathing Church. It's that dinner with your friends when you reminisce of God's goodness. It's the coffee you have when your friend's heart is broken and she just needs you to listen. It's when you pay forward that random act of kindness at the Chick-fil-A or Starbucks not because you have to but because love flows from you. When you take that extra moment to smile at the cashier at Walmart. The Church is more than a noun, it's a verb. It is love because Jesus is love.

Now back to why I don't feel guilty about not always attending church. Little "c" church is great, it's more than that. It's important and necessary but what it is not is God. church is not God. It doesn't substitute God or a relationship with God. And though I loved going to church and serving and everything about it, in many ways it became my little "g" God. The performance driven side of me thrived on all the "good" I was doing. Don't get me wrong, I was doing good. I truly worshipped and prayed while I was there. While all of that was true, as time went by and I grew closer to the Lord, I realized I didn't "need" church to feel close to God. I didn't need to attend to serve Him or worship Him or prove my worth to Him. I had nothing to prove. He loved me exactly and perfectly. It finally clicked.

There's no reason to feel guilty for not attending a church service. Really there's not, I promise. Am I advocating not to go to church to prove this? No! Not at all. That's the beauty of true relationship with the Lord, it's unique and personal. I know many of you reading this love your church community, and that's a beautiful and awesome thing. Keep going, keep serving, keep loving, and just keep doing what it is God is calling you to do. My prayer is that you continue to thrive and pour out your love there as long as the Lord leads you.

I know there are others who maybe don't go to church, either by choice or by circumstance. Maybe you don't know how to go back, or maybe you've never been, and that's ok too. Maybe your the person that has been hurt by the church, and you just can't buy the, "church is filled with imperfect people" spiel that people want to sell you, I get that too. I've been there, at that place where you feel suffocated as you walk in the door because of the hurt and pain caused. My prayer for you as that you don't let that pull you away from Jesus, that your relationship with a church never reflect the relationship you have with your Savior.

Do I have all the answers? No. I think I've rambled on long enough for tonight. If you've read this far there's one thing I'd love for you to leave with and it's this: Jesus loves you. The Church is living and active and if you proclaim Jesus as your Lord and Savior you are a part of it, whether you like it or not. Don't let your attendance record or membership status become a badge of honor or weapon of condemnation. It is what it is, it's not who you are.

Much love,
Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confession #23: My Story...My Why.

This post was originally a Facebook status from January 14, 2015. The Lord had me share  bit of my story in that post and this is what I shared:

About two years ago I was at a really dark place in my life. From the outside everything looked good, Facebook fabulous at its finest. I was recently engaged with the man of my dreams, I had friends, I loved Texas, yet I was a mess. I couldn't understand why I couldn't succeed career wise, why I felt like a failure, why I was depressed, and anxious. I was paralyzed on my couch literally one day and cried a desperate prayer. I was going to church because it was "the right thing to do". I found a great job and started planning my wedding to be let go on the day of my birthday. My income was supposed to pay for our wedding. I had no answers, life didn't seem fair. So we came to the decision to stop trying to find a job. It should have been a huge relief but it wasn't. You see my identity was wrapped around achieving academic and career success. It was where I placed my worth. Without that I was lost, a nobody. Yet deep down I knew that that distant God I prayed to would come through and I would have some sort of celebration and small wedding. I was angry, I felt useless, and alone. And guess what? When I gave up and surrendered my will, my expectations, my vision...I found God. See I always knew He existed but I didn't know Him. I was going to my church every week to talk to the ladies I had "nothing" in common with (or so I thought) to talk and work through my issues. See I thought I was there to fix myself. But no, God placed me there so He could fix me. These women loved on me, prayed for me, cried with me, became my sisters. And along the way...well, my life changed. Was it instant? No. Was it life altering, irrevocable, overwhelming, and mind blowing yes. You see, that year when I thought was a waste and I was doing nothing...I got to know God. Not only know Him, fall head over heels, madly, and insanely in love with Him! Something that would've never happened if I had had my dream job. I'd would've been too busy to find Him. Did my life circumstances change overnight? No. Did all my hardships disappear? Not at all. In many ways they got harder. But since then I've changed. I KNOW THAT I KNOW who I am. I know where my worth, strength, and beauty come from. They come from God, the most High King. I am His daughter, His heir. I know joy like I've never known before. I've faced circumstances that would've destroyed me in the past and have come out of it with more joy, strength, and faith. I still don't understand it all, I still get impatient and wonder why bad things happen to good people. But I know that God works all things for good. I've seen my family be blessed by him, I have family in people I've known for so little time, I've seen miracles, healings, but above all ...I've seen God's faithfulness through it all. He will speak to you through the storm...you need just to call on Him. This is what I speaking of earlier of building an altar. This is one of my altars. When my faith is tested and I am weary, when I feel like I've deviated from my calling, or that I'm not hearing from God I will come back to this holy place. This moment in time when there was an exchange between Heaven and earth.

That's my story...what's yours? Have you built your altars of faith? You don't have to do this alone. That's why I'm here...we're in this together. Today can be the day everything changes.

Much love,

Cristina

**This is part of the 31 day series: Confessions of a Faithonista**

Confessions of a Faithonista

-- Attempt #2 of the write 31 challenge

So here I am again...October 1st with many high hopes to complete the challenge of writing for 31 days straight during the month of October. Last year I didn't fair so well on the consistency, I completed four maybe, five posts. I still consider this a win though. I had never committed to writing anything public before, and the nudge I received from my friend Larissa (go check her out at www.gr8tfulchick.com)was just what I needed at the time. And after a gentle nudge from her again this year, I decided I'm in...all in. 

To be honest I wasn't even sure what I would write about. The thought of keeping a theme for 31 days can be a little daunting. Okay, VERY daunting. So as she would ask me what I was thinking, I was at a loss. All I knew is that it would be faith related, and honestly I haven't been feeling spiritual or oozing with faith as of late. So of course the enemy of our souls took the opportunity to invade and flood my thoughts on how I had no business writing anything, much less anything related to faith. As I faced this dilemma and inner conversation, I decided to do one of things I do best, PROCRASTINATE. 

For years procrastination has been my go-to reaction in facing my problems, deadlines, and pretty much any situation. It's something I'm not at all proud of. It has caused lots of shame, pain, complications, and turmoil in my life. I can trace procrastination to some of the more painful moments in my life. That's pretty sad. As I sit here and type, I had no intention of even mentioning one of my biggest demons and character flaws but I guess it goes along perfectly with the series I want to develop over the next 31 days. 

A space where I share what's on my heart. A space where I can express the vulnerable, the ugly, the beauty, the messiness, and contradictions of a faithonista.

So what's a faithonista you may ask? Faithonista was a word that I believe the Lord gave me. It means to wear your faith and wear it well. Do I think I'm wearing my faith well right now? Honestly, no. But...and there's a huge but, I know that how I perceive I wear my faith is not the way God sees it. I know He sees me. I know He sees my faith. I might think I don't wear it well, but really it's not about what I think. God never said we had to be perfect to wear our faith. He says to come as we are. God never expected us to always have a smile on our faith but He promises us everlasting joy. He never desired for us to live up to worldly or societal expectations but to rather die to self and follow Him. So right now I'm a faithonista whether I believe it or not. Guess what? So are you!

...and so do you!

Sometimes I fall in the trap of not feeling good enough, worthy enough, beautiful enough, successful enough, or **fill in the blank** enough. One thing I do believe I always am is real enough. So this challenge comes at a perfect time, a time where I can confess whatever is on my heart. Just warning you, it might not all be upbeat and rainbows (blame it on the season I'm in) but it will always be filled with hope. Real, raw, messy, beautiful confessions straight from my heart intertwined with my views on faith and God is what I will write about. Why? I'll write about that because I think we all need a little bit of real and raw as we walk out our faith. Honestly, it's exactly what I need at the moment and a faithonista has to forget about what people expect of her so she can do what her heart yearns for.

Much Love,

Cristina

*P.S. - Know that I am praying for each and every one of you as I take this journey. If there's anyway I can pray for you specifically feel free to comment below or email me at WNOPtribe@gmail.com

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The complete collection of confessions will be posted below as they go live, thanks for joining me on this journey!

Confession #1: I don't always go to church...and I don't feel guilty about it

Confession #2: I've battled anxiety...and I took all the meds

Confession #3: Tonight I don't feel like writing, like for reals!

Confession #4: Memes are my love language

Confession #5: To all my friends that no longer are...I love you

Confession #6: I wish that I could be like the cool kids...'cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in

Confession #7: No, I'm not ok.

Confession #8: I never know what I'm going to write about...until I do.

Confession #9: Last night I was too tired to write...so I didn't.

Confession #10: I have a tattoo...ok, maybe have 2

Confession #11: I travel 4 hours to get my hair done...

Confession #12: What I learned sitting in my dark closet tonight

Confession #13: It's all about the fight...song

Confession #14: You can keep your casserole...'cause I don't want it!

Confession #15: I wrote this post from my cell phone...

Confession #16: Food is the #1 thing that separates me from God.

Confession #17: How stuffing myself with food deafened my ears towards God

Confession #18: I suck at sending out thank you cards

Confession #19: I've always wondered, what would happen if...

Confession #20: Ministry was nothing like I thought it would be

Confession #21: I know my purpose...and I want you to know yours!

Confession #22: I should be writing Confession #30 today...but I'm a little behind

Confession #23: My Story...My Why

Confession #24: What God told me about friendships

Confession #25: Let God be the Curator, not just the Creator of your life